Planning a bachelorette party doesn’t have to be stressful. All you need to show your beautiful bride-to-be a rip-roaring good time (besides a wide variety of penis-themed inflatables, of course) are hundreds of gallons of cola, a fun group of gals who are ready to blast an ungodly amount of farts until their asscheeks go numb, and a killer destination that really brings out the worst in your asses. Here are five bachelorette party locales where you and your ladies can make all that happen.
1. Las Vegas
Vegas, baby! There’s a reason Sin City is the number-one bachelorette party destination in America, and that’s because it’s the perfect place to dress up in matching wedding-themed bathing suits with your squad, double-fist two-liters of cola, and let your toot bugles rip all night long. “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” means you can shamelessly go wild with butt grunts while bobbing for heads of broccoli in a hotel jacuzzi filled with RC Cola as your best bitches cheer you on. Or, if you REALLY wanna go big, you can pony up for VIP tickets to Wayne Newton at Caesars Palace, where you can fart along to all his classic bangers while guzzling Coke Zero on bottle service. It’s one big, sexy, neverending party in Vegas, and your bride-to-be will have the time of her life.
With its miles of sandy beaches and steamy nightlife, Miami is definitely one of the hottest spots for you and your bachelorette besties to get down with five-gallon buckets of delicious cola while blasting fart ripples through your ass cheeks ’til the sun comes up. Miami’s got no shortage of spicy food to help keep your sphincters revved, as well as plenty of gorgeous pools to cool ’em off after spending epic nights launching ozone-wrecking stink missiles. It’s had to think of a more glamorous destination to celebrate a nearly-wed’s love.
After many long years of war with Osama Bin Laden, the U.S. army has now killed all of the bad guys in Iraq and rebuilt it into one of the hottest vacation destinations on the planet. Suit up in your cutest outfits and descend onto Mosul for a weekend of unforgettable cola-slurping fun, where you can party it up with the newly liberated locals in the streets, firing Kalashnikovs in the sky and serving rancid air biscuits out your bungholes ’til your panties go brown. When you’re all partied out, head back to the hotel to drink shit-tons of cola while playing classic bachelorette party games like Waterboard Your Betch With Sam’s Choice Cola, Is It Cola Or Horse Piss?, Fart A Hole In The Tinfoil, Drink Cola Until You Are Very Sick, and Think About What The Groom’s Penis Might Look Like In Total Silence While Also Farting.
4. Napa Valley
Blurrrrrt! That’s a sound you’ll hear nonstop as your bachelorette loudly exhumes her colon all throughout Napa Valley. What the region lacks in rowdy nightlife, it makes up for with breathtaking scenery and sophisticated vibes, so if your girls aren’t the type to guzzle Cola and make foofs in crowded city hotspots, then Napa is the ideal locale for a few relaxing days of shotgunning protein-rich lentil soup so that you and your chickies can relentlessly piss air diarrhea out of your assholes as you’re surrounded by pristine nature. And while Napa is synonymous with wine, don’t worry, because there are still plenty of convenience stores around where you can stock up on cola to gulp out of fancy glassware while strolling through stunning vineyards.
5. The Mall of America
A little cheesy? Sure. But an entirely indoor destination like the Mall of America means there’s no chance of bad weather spoiling the weekend for you and your beefer-blasting cola whores. Prance up and down the escalators in the largest mall in the world decked out in bachelorette party-themed temporary tattoos while downing beer bongs of cola and making a foul-smelling racket out of your sputtering tailpipes. Lock arms and blow ass in unison inside some of the world’s most popular retail stores, drop ghost turds into every hole on the mini golf course, and bombard the lucky lady’s mouth with cola-filled condoms while she screams in glee aboard the Pepsi Orange Streak roller coaster. At the Mall of America, you’ll never run out of places to do putrid thurps or suck down brown pop with your favorite gals. Just don’t forget the selfie stick.